the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet

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*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

Don’t bother struggling. You’re my grandma now.


[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando


[Hydra command meeting]

Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!

Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.


Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.


My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family


My relationship with my Ex was very psychological…she’s psycho and I’m logical.


people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground


Whenever someone says they hate cats and they’re all shitty and snobby about it, I’m like, “Weird cuz you behave JUST like one.”


Parents that tell u “it’s just a little noise” when their kid cries on a train are the same ones who knock on ur door when the music is loud