@Holy_Mowgli

the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet

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@thenatewolf

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

Don’t bother struggling. You’re my grandma now.

@WhatsAGreenhorn

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

@MyNameIsArchaic

[Hydra command meeting]

Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!

Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.

@roxiqt

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

@Average_Dad1

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

@DigitalDropz

My relationship with my Ex was very psychological…she’s psycho and I’m logical.

@SortaBad

people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground

@TheJamieLee

Whenever someone says they hate cats and they’re all shitty and snobby about it, I’m like, “Weird cuz you behave JUST like one.”

@_PerziaN_

Parents that tell u “it’s just a little noise” when their kid cries on a train are the same ones who knock on ur door when the music is loud