The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
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“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I didn’t realize that was an option
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly