The human body is 70% water and 30% land

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For once, I’d like to see an action movie where someone yells “WE’VE GOT COMPANY,” and then some nice neighbors come over and they have a lovely dinner party.


[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?


No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.


[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.

[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…


judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead

owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor


Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”

It’s called TALL, you little shit.


I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.


The best thing about the Earth is if you poke holes in it oil and gas come out.


STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”

HIM: “This might sound weird…”

STYLIST: “Try me.”

HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”

STYLIST: “I got this.”