It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
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*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
You walk into my bedroom…
I’m laying naked with a platter of nachos on my chest.
You get punched while trying to take some of my nachos.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
A coworker wouldn’t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I found three french fries inside my $1 McDouble.
Dream big, kids. Anything is possible.