The human body is 70% water and 30% land
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Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.