@brendohare

The human body is 70% water and 30% land

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@AtticusFinch79

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads

@thetits

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

@HenpeckedHal

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

@matsmoustache

You walk into my bedroom…

I’m laying naked with a platter of nachos on my chest.

You get punched while trying to take some of my nachos.

@TheHyyyype

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

@AlmightyBored

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

@TheMichaelRock

A coworker wouldn’t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.

@TeaAndCopy

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

@novicefather

I found three french fries inside my $1 McDouble.

Dream big, kids. Anything is possible.