The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
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Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
LOL
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T