The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

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What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?


My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.


Give me a massage
“Mm okay”
*rubs oil all over her*
*things get hot*
*things get too hot*
*she bursts into flames*
“Dang I used petroleum”


[first day as a police sketch artist]

Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?

Me: I used to do this at the zoo


Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.


[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*


If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.


*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.


My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.


[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job