The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
You Might Also Like
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins