*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
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I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Subway calling their employees sandwich artists must really piss off people who actually paint sandwiches for a living.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
My parents and teachers told me I could be whatever I wanted to be but I’m 28 years old now and I’m still not a crime-fighting mermaid 🙁
Apples greatest success is convincing the world they need a new phone, to replace the one you aren’t making phone calls on, every year.
If life had a ‘CTRL + ALT + DEL’ option, you bet your ass I’d be hitting that thing about 14 times a day.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Roses are red
Violets don’t matter.
When a woman says ‘I love you’