The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
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If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care