The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
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As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Best spoiler warning ever
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.