The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
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It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Erm I’m gonna say no
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Many hands make light work
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you