Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
You Might Also Like
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
My favorite farside!!
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone