The human brain starts working the moment you’re born and never stops until your wife asks where you were last night.

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Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.


I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.


Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.


Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.


ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here


TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent


Brought flowers home to wife.

Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”

Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”