@realHamOnWry

The human brain starts working the moment you’re born and never stops until your wife asks where you were last night.

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@catlikethiefx0

Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn’t wave back so now she’s got a new album coming out tomorrow.

@andlikelaura

voldemort: harry potter the boy who lived come to die

harry: asphinctersayswhat

voldemort: what

harry: *looking at imaginary camera* exactly

voldemort: who…who are you talking to

@dougbies

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

@TheAlexNevil

Him: What’s that, Boy? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie: Well I said “reservoir,” but if you need it dumbed down for you, sure.

@MrGeorgeWallace

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

@scumbelievable

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

@lmwortho

CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm

@TheGoodGodAbove

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

@3sunzzz

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.