@realHamOnWry

The human brain starts working the moment you’re born and never stops until your wife asks where you were last night.

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@theevilwriter

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

@Contwixt

I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.

@callmeEvian

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

@RunOldMan

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.

@rockymomax

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

@BuckyIsotope

TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent

@ApostasyPanda

Brought flowers home to wife.

Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”

Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”