the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day

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gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is


If fire shoots out of the chimney the Papal Conclave has selected a new drummer for Slayer.


I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.


Me: (takes a sip of my husband’s wine)

H: You wants me to pour you a glass?

Me: (takes another sip) No, I’m good.


Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.


[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.


Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.


I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.


SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”