the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
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Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
The Sun
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot