@dog_feelings

the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day

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@DannyMcH2O

Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.

@Parkerlawyer

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

@DanMentos

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

@Fickle_Filly

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

@GlumGeorgeLucas

I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”

@Sickayduh

DAD: What happened to your car?

SON: Transmission is shot. Reverse doesn’t work.

DAD: Well…

SON: Don’t-

DAD: There’s no going back now

@HatfieldAnne

Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*

@itsa_talia

one time a friend asked me “how are you still single?!” and the list of reasons is still compiling in my head

@ariscott

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

@MsSkarsgaard

Him: I’ll kill anyone that tries to come near you.

Me: Oh, that’s sweet babe but do you think you could you leave the Cinnabon samples guy alone?