Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
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My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
DAD: What happened to your car?
SON: Transmission is shot. Reverse doesn’t work.
DAD: There’s no going back now
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
one time a friend asked me “how are you still single?!” and the list of reasons is still compiling in my head
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Him: I’ll kill anyone that tries to come near you.
Me: Oh, that’s sweet babe but do you think you could you leave the Cinnabon samples guy alone?