@ClichedOut
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
@dog_feelings
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
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@ClichedOut
@RockabillyJay
If fire shoots out of the chimney the Papal Conclave has selected a new drummer for Slayer.
@shutupmikeginn
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
@timdonakowski
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
@AndLookPretty
Me: (takes a sip of my husband’s wine)
H: You wants me to pour you a glass?
Me: (takes another sip) No, I’m good.
@DurtMcHurtt
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
@nojeshua
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
@Dog_Marriage
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
@JennyJohnsonHi5
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
@daemonic3
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”