the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day

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you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed


While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.


[renovating house]

ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?


A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.


I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.

I hope they like monopoly.


ME: *fumbling with bra* sorry im usually good at this
HER: its…fine
ME: *successfully gets bra off* there we go, now you take off yours


You know you’re good when they have to add an amendment to the company handbook cause they never thought anyone would do what you did


“Pizza is always good.” – everyone

“We’ll see about that.” – Papa John’s