@dog_feelings

the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day

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@The_Law_Boy

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

@TwinSurvivalist

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

@UncleDuke1969

[renovating house]

ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?

@SteveKoehler22

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.

@Parkerlawyer

I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.

I hope they like monopoly.

@hippieswordfish

ME: *fumbling with bra* sorry im usually good at this
HER: its…fine
ME: *successfully gets bra off* there we go, now you take off yours

@Mr_Kapowski

You know you’re good when they have to add an amendment to the company handbook cause they never thought anyone would do what you did

@kumailn

“Pizza is always good.” – everyone

“We’ll see about that.” – Papa John’s