the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
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Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Noah
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Mountain Goat : )