the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
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DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
This January has 47 Mondays
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.