@dog_feelings

the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty

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@samdunsiger

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

@just1fool

My aunt called me a basket case so I swallowed all of her decorative, weaved pieces of art that hold things to show her.

@lovejulieayn

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>

@SteveKoehler22

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

@AnniemuMary

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.

@jonnysun

*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH

@OrdinaryAlso

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

@roxiqt

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”

@iAmDelFreaky

Haha! My mom said I can’t use my phone at the dinner table. I’m a grown…

This is Del’s mom, he’ll be back after he eats his dinner.

@markleggett

I’m on the powerlifting forums, trying to convince everyone that kissing another man before you bench gives you an awesome adrenaline boost.