Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
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She shouted “GET SOMETHING TO PUT ON BEE STINGS”
I fetched her one of her bras.
Now we’re not talking. Apparently.
Shout out to the dude who’s followed and unfollowed approximately 25632 times this week.
If you’re bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
People dating on the internet have it so easy. Back in my day, a man would walk uphill both ways in the snow to disappoint a woman.