@dog_feelings

the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty

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@StarWarsProblms

Luke: Did you get the card I made you?

Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.

Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.

@LeftBlank___

She shouted “GET SOMETHING TO PUT ON BEE STINGS”

I fetched her one of her bras.

Now we’re not talking. Apparently.

@BBQJones28

Shout out to the dude who’s followed and unfollowed approximately 25632 times this week.

@Jubafisher

If you’re bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored

@Book_Krazy

Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”

@PetrickSara

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

@chuuew

BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do

@amysowerby

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

@mstluvstrinkets

People dating on the internet have it so easy. Back in my day, a man would walk uphill both ways in the snow to disappoint a woman.