the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty

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[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce


My aunt called me a basket case so I swallowed all of her decorative, weaved pieces of art that hold things to show her.


Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>


A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?


Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.


*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*


Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*


Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”


Haha! My mom said I can’t use my phone at the dinner table. I’m a grown…

This is Del’s mom, he’ll be back after he eats his dinner.


I’m on the powerlifting forums, trying to convince everyone that kissing another man before you bench gives you an awesome adrenaline boost.