the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
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People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Shoo shoo! 😂
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.