The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
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Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
umm…
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.