The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
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me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
classic mixup
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.