The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
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Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
🤣🤣💀
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Investing in beetcoin
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.