The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
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Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.