the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
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Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing