The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I’ve weighed myself before and after I walk into my job

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I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.


Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.


walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal


If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.


*Clark Kent takes his glasses off*

Jimmy: “OMG, it’s Superman!”

*Clark puts his glasses back on*

“OMG, Clark! You just missed Superman!”


Twitter has taught me a couple things. First, there are some incredibly brilliant people in the world. Second, they are vastly outnumbered.


Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home


me: i’d like help with my taxes

accountant: ok what state will you be filing them in?

me: i’d say anxious

accountant: no i mean what state have you lived in this year

me: oh sorry, depressed