Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
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Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit