@Lisaley

The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.

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@AnitaHelmet

Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?

@Bob_Heller

Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.

@LoveMeNowDad

A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls

@JustDontBugMe

Job: something you do to make enough money to buy three avocados at one time.

@ceejoyner

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

@EZ_G

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

@UnicornSyrup

Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.

@Lisa_Laughs_

Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.

@KeetPotato

wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”