Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
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Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Job: something you do to make enough money to buy three avocados at one time.
Loses house keys. Builds new house.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”