@dog_feelings

the human thinks. i won’t get excited. if they say. doubleyouayellkay. instead of. walk. but guess what. i am excited

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@neiltyson

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

@Robert_Beau

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

@panmidwest

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

@IamJackBoot

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

@NikiWithIssues

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

@ohen39

[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: I’m a big fan of your work

@OakHill_

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

@SondraDeeMe

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

@TommyKarate

My relationship status is a Taylor Swift song just waiting to happen.

@TweetPotato314

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me