Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
the human thinks. i won’t get excited. if they say. doubleyouayellkay. instead of. walk. but guess what. i am excited
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Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: I’m a big fan of your work
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
My relationship status is a Taylor Swift song just waiting to happen.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me