If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
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All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Breaking news:
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.