Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
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That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
how it started vs how it ended
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs