the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
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If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.