*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
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Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
i smell a pulitzer
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?