The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
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Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
A game married people play.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.