Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
You Might Also Like
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk