8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
The “I got your nose” game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she’ll call security.
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If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Of course this is the year I bring my famous Romaine pie to my in-laws.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner