@TheTalkingPipe

The “I got your nose” game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she’ll call security.

You Might Also Like

@FatherWithTwins

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it

@ABKool

If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left

@ItsLaTourette

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

@JanineEB4

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

@thesulk

Of course this is the year I bring my famous Romaine pie to my in-laws.

@RidiculousSheri

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

@JamieDMJ

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

@timdonakowski

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

@NewDadNotes

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

@TheWidowmakerX

“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”

Me: A partner