@TheTalkingPipe

The “I got your nose” game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she’ll call security.

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@Mindless4Miles

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

@BrandonVine

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

@daplusk

I’ve pre-planned my funeral to include a 32 minute montage of the times I’ve accidentally waved hello to someone waving to someone behind me

@buttsword

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

@1okhooker

I’m blocking anyone I think is funnier than me. If you see this you are safe.

@jonnysun

giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”

@Reverend_Scott

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

@amydillon

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.