The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.

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Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?


BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”


science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”


Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*


BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats


All I’m saying is no one had the coronavirus when people were eating Tide Pods.


I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”




PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting


Whenever I’m in a difficult situation, I think, “What would I do?” so I can do the opposite thing