The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
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Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
The Assassin.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.