The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
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my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse