Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
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To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*