*leans out office door*
Susan, hold all my calls. I have a very important lunch.
*goes to desk and makes animal crackers fight each other*
The idea that someone would be upset NOT to be invited to a wedding is so confusing to me.
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Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Insta before videos: hey look at my sushi !
Insta with videos: hey look at my sushi for 15 seconds !
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
……… you have my attention
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”