I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
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FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
A roof is a house hat.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”