@DanMentos

the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks

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@KeetPotato

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

@aka_fatman

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.

@brittwastaken

My dog caught me petting another dog and now we have to start a couple’s Facebook account.

@AngelaEhh

Paint thinner? Bullshit.

Been painting myself with it all week. Still fat.

@Darlainky

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

@WineMummy

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

@Book_Krazy

Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick

Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER

@Brampersandon_

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

@MikeCanRant

What idiot called it British conjoined twins and not chapstick?

@PatsATweetin

[1776]
America: We want the British out

[1931]
Australia: We want the British out

[1947]
India: We want the British out

[2020]
Britain: We want the British out