the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks

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First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)


My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.


All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.


I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.


The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.


ME: bae, you wanna go out?

HER: hell yeah 😊

ME: ok pliz close the door on your way out I need to play FIFA alone.


Boss: you’re fired
Me: *turns in chair with cat in my lap*
I expected this; you found my search history yes?
Boss: Linda wants her cat back


I like Ohio’s abbreviation because any address sounds like you just realized where you are and you’re not super pleased about it.


A lot of the classic “cool” behaviors are pretty much just acting like a cat.


I don’t mean to brag, but I just completed my 21 day diet in 3 hours and 15 minutes.