@DanMentos

the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks

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@KentingtonC

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”

@TedBundybitch

When I tell people I don’t speak English to get out of a conversation I randomly throw the word hemorrhoid just to bring it home

@TheBoydP

[Jeopardy]

Disease for $500 Alex

“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”

What’s better than catching a man cold?

“Correct!”

@Jessdaisy

I’m “the cord popped out of the phone cause I tried to stretch it from the kitchen to my room” years old

@Gupton68

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

@gobmentcheese

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

@lecalabara

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

@JustMeTurtle

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.