the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks

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Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”


When I tell people I don’t speak English to get out of a conversation I randomly throw the word hemorrhoid just to bring it home



Disease for $500 Alex

“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”

What’s better than catching a man cold?



I’m “the cord popped out of the phone cause I tried to stretch it from the kitchen to my room” years old


I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.


In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.


You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.


I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.