the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
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Brilliant!
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.