@DanMentos

the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks

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@ShootyDoody

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

@Cheeseboy22

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.

@imlaurenmcguire

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

@jenniferfralic

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

@TalibJim

ME: bae, you wanna go out?

HER: hell yeah 😊

ME: ok pliz close the door on your way out I need to play FIFA alone.

@NewDadNotes

Boss: you’re fired
Me: *turns in chair with cat in my lap*
I expected this; you found my search history yes?
Boss: Linda wants her cat back

@Go2Slp

I like Ohio’s abbreviation because any address sounds like you just realized where you are and you’re not super pleased about it.

@thenatewolf

A lot of the classic “cool” behaviors are pretty much just acting like a cat.

@FlyJ_

I don’t mean to brag, but I just completed my 21 day diet in 3 hours and 15 minutes.