The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
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DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.