“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
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[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.