Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter

Basically, any European coat of arms:

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

“Nah”

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it

I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.

Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”

Her: “Yes”

Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”

“Wait, what?!”

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

Bonfire is French for “good fire.”

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.

Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?

Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect