[training to be a crime investigator]
investigator: he was eaten by a cannibal
me: *writing* eaten by cannon ball
investigator: no, cannon balls shoot, cannibals eat people
me: *writing* cannon balls shoot and eat people
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
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Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Me: No, on plates, you fool
What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving?
I’ll show myself out.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I didn’t realize how parenting had changed me until I was walking by my 7yo with an ice cream sandwich down my pants so he wouldn’t see it
Me; Right, some revision?
Me: Start with chemistry?
Me: Periodic table?
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
I’d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.