@kelkulus

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

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@roxiqt

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

@SortaBad

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

@QwertyJones3

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

@LaniBeno

I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.

@MartaEffing

Someone just used the phrase, ‘that’s a big load’, on this conference call, and suddenly I’m paying attention.

@AthenaMystique

*Turns up “Eye of the Tiger”*

*air boxes*

*jumps imaginary rope*

*takes awesome nap*

*crowned World Nap Champion third day in a row*

@shashaintl

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD