The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
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Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Succinctly put.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich