@GabbbarSingh

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

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@topherjordan

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

@KendellMadden

“I know, right?!!” Is the WRONG thing to say when my neighbor tells me that his wife is wild in bed.
Lesson learned.

@_correctomundo

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

@BobTheSuit

Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.

@anniemalistics

Me: Look, I don’t mind if you watch me shower, but my husband’s probably gonna kill you if he catches you.
Spider:

@Mitchoacan

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

@WritingWilkie

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

@KattsDogma

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

@Robert_Beau

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

@UncleDuke1969

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)