The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

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If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.


“I know, right?!!” Is the WRONG thing to say when my neighbor tells me that his wife is wild in bed.
Lesson learned.


I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.


Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.


Me: Look, I don’t mind if you watch me shower, but my husband’s probably gonna kill you if he catches you.


Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.


The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.


Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.


I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.


Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)