The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

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passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED


*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti


*During math test*
My answer: 28.
Answer choices: 17, 19, 26, 45.
Me: “well 26 is closer to 28, so that must be the answer.”


You can tell a lot about a person by what they’re willing to do during conjugal visits.


I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.


therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no


waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”


I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub