The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
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We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?