I don’t date Left handed chicks cause you know, Lefty loosey Righty tighty.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
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PROFESSOR X: What is your super power
LOU BEGA: I can mambo a 5th time without having to mambo 1-4 times
PROFESSOR X: Astonishing
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope’s car.
I wish softcore horror was a genre. Like, “LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU IT’S A KITTEN! OH THANK GOD IT’S JUST A FEATHER.”
Absolutely is my favourite nothing to do…
Sometimes you feel like you’ve grown. Other times you pout for a few hours because your wife accidentally threw away your Tabasco sauce.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Go away I’m not home
“I can hear you”
I can hear you too..go away
“I brought food”
What kind of food
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.