[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
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I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day