@murrman5

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

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@ruslg1

I don’t date Left handed chicks cause you know, Lefty loosey Righty tighty.

@Home_Halfway

PROFESSOR X: What is your super power

LOU BEGA: I can mambo a 5th time without having to mambo 1-4 times

PROFESSOR X: Astonishing

@Soberphobiccc

Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope’s car.

@ibid78

I wish softcore horror was a genre. Like, “LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU IT’S A KITTEN! OH THANK GOD IT’S JUST A FEATHER.”

@sammyrhodes

Sometimes you feel like you’ve grown. Other times you pout for a few hours because your wife accidentally threw away your Tabasco sauce.

@mydmac

A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.

@HomeProbably

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

@laurajennyjo

*knock knock*

Go away I’m not home

“I can hear you”

I can hear you too..go away

“I brought food”

What kind of food

@unravelingfire

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.