@DrakeGatsby: The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
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@NewDadNotes: Boss: who wants to practice public speaking? Me: can I go? Boss: of course. Me: [goes home]
@iamspacegirl: ME: It would ring, and we would... Answer it. TEENS: but, like, how did you know who it WAS? ME *staring into the distance* We never did...
@ShortSleeveSuit: ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library* HER: excuse me, do you mind? ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking