The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
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Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
bro what is going on at twitter
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace