Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
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This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.