The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
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[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.