The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
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It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
I’m Sold!
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.