@qwertygirl

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

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@mommajessiec

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

@blade_funner

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

@SamDelanche

Impatient means she’s restlessly eager, inpatient means she lives in a mental hospital…

Learned that one the hard way.

@autocorrects

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

@ScottLinnen

Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.

@TheMichaelRock

If you draw a picture of a butthole on the questionnaire, there’s a 95% chance you’ll get out of jury duty.

Would be 100%. But, Texas.

@SortaBad

*hears a man crying in a bathroom stall at work*
“Excuse me, are you okay? Because you’re kinda stealing my thing”