The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
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Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
When someone says you are so lazy
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off