The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
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When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.