The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
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Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Living the best life.. 😊
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Very problematic