@girlontapas

The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn’t trying.

The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn’t trying.

- @girlontapas

You Might Also Like

@faungirl123

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

@CorkyCrash

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

@richyrichric

I swear I heard my dentist whisper “yolo” as he reached for a chisel…

@ScottLinnen

Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.

@PleaseBeGneiss

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

@ClichedOut

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

@OctopusCaveman

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

@beermanboobs

*crawls into bed naked*
*grabs a book*
*sips wine*
This is nice. I wonder whose house this is.