Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
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I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
God: Women will bleed for a week.
Universe: What will men do for pleasure at that time?
God: *sigh* Fine. Mouths. But they’ll talk. A lot.
8 year old daughter: I wish I had been born a twin
Me: You were a very hungry fetus-
Wife: Ok that’s enough time with Dad for today
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
My 8yo knows exactly how many hours are left until Christmas but can’t remember to flush the toilet.
fun prank: text a girl “we need to talk right now” and then throw your phone into a river
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.