The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
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Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?